How to Let Go of Perfectionism

Perfectionism looks like high standards. It feels like never being enough.
The drive to get everything right, to never drop the ball, to always be on — it's exhausting. And the cruel irony is that the very thing you think is making you better is quietly keeping you stuck.
In this video I'll show you what perfectionism actually is underneath the surface, why it's a nervous system response and not a personality trait, and how to break free from the pattern without losing the drive that makes you good at what you do.
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https://andrewdpearce.com/the-calm-mind-method/

Transcript

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Perfectionism. It takes up a lot of your time. It takes up a lot of your mental and emotional space and capacity. It gets on your colleagues' nerves, your staff's nerves, your partner's nerves, your friends' nerves. It's this uptightness in your body. It's a pressure in your body. It's redoing the presentation a million times. It's redoing your YouTube channel video a million times. It is uh it is also it has also been under the the illusion, the delusion that you just have these high standards and and there can be wrapped up in perfectionism is a real sense of fear-based pride, self-inflated pride, like unhealthy pride of oh, I'm I'm just so hard on myself, you know, or I have really high standards. Oh yep, you'll you'll put your hand up. Yep, I'm a perfectionist, absolutely. And you're you're identified, not just you you don't just play out the pattern, but there's an identity, a felt sense of self, that that who you are is a perfectionist. And so know that that that breaking the habit, breaking the behavior is is also letting that identity die, moving on from it. And what can be difficult is the fact that the perfectionist pattern and identity works for you in in so many different ways. So you can you can have a think about what does it what it what does it give me? Because everything that it gives you, you need to be willing to lose. Now, an energetic law of the universe is that whatever you let go of, you get back in a in a different form at a higher level of evolution. So although in the process of letting go and moving on from perfectionism in this felt sense of self may feel very scary and like permanent loss that will actually have a negative and ongoing negative impact on your life, know that that's not true. You will evolve and upgrade to a more conscious being who still performs at a high level, still gets the job done, still produces results, still produces a you know a quality of work, however, doesn't do it from this forced, braced, tensed nervous system posture where there is this pressure on yourself, where you're super hard on yourself, where nothing is ever good enough, even when the work that you do is incredible. So know that. Know that you need uh know that just because it's gonna feel like a big loss and an ongoing loss, that that's not the case. So don't buy into that. When that feeling and fear surfaces, don't buy into it, because I've just pointed it out for you here, letting you know that's not the truth, it will pass soon enough, and things will actually be better for you on the other side. And that is universal, that teaching right there. Like I'm speaking to the perfectionist pattern and identity here. However, when when it comes to surrender, emotional release, healing, the initial phases, the initial feeling of moving on and letting go and of loss feels forever, feels permanent, feels like I know I need to let go of this and I want to let go of this, and logically it's gonna be better for me, but it feels like I'm gonna be worse off. I'm I'm just leaning into this uncertainty and I don't know what's on the other side. If you have the willingness to venture, which you can always tap into an access, if you have the willingness to venture into the uncertainty and see what's on the other side, you will be rewarded. Guaranteed. Now, when it comes to perfectionism, it's likely in childhood you had a parent or parents who were quite uptight themselves, who would, you know, correct your grammar or at every opportunity, who would uh, you know, let's say you do the dishes and they immediately come in and rearrange things when it's ultimately not necessary. You could have a parent who is still quite loving, uh, but they they play out that behaviors of minor corrections, uh, even if they're doing it when you're not looking, let's say, you know, just adjusting the way that you've put the books on the bookshelf. Your nervous system begins to organize around a way and learn that nothing that you do is is quite right. Or you have a parent who is just quite overtly critical and judgmental and just verbally and emotionally lets you know that that's not good enough. This is crap, what is this? Do it again, try harder, that's not enough. And it seems that the only way that you earn their love or approval is through achievement or success or performing or producing results at a high level or at a you know a quality academic that is to a degree culturally approved of or seen to be as top level or high level. So know that what happens is your your nervous system begins to regulate to nothing being good enough, to nothing being allowed to be out of place. Everything needs to be in place, everything needs to be correct, everything needs to be in order. Now, this has come from your parent that's probably got it from the most likely got it from their parents, and so their system also doesn't feel safe when things are out of place, out of order, or messy. So something that you can do and something that you can practice is allow your body to feel messy because it's human beings are messy, the human experience is messy. I, for one, enjoy things being tidy, I enjoy things being correct, I enjoy things being in their place, and so a practice for me over my life has been to allow, allow the messy, you know, allow the desk to not be perfectly arranged the way that I like it, purely as an experiment. Nothing that I need to commit to for my life forever because the preference is I like this here and that there, but purely as an experiment to intentionally trigger emotions that surface in the body. Now, bear with me, one more thing before you go. You have no place in your body for the messy, imperfect, wrong, struggling, stuttering, dramatic parts of you. And that's what also, because there is no place for them, they're not allowed, they're not accepted, you already don't approve of them. You want you want nothing to do with those parts of yourself. That's why you are forcefully, bracingly, uptight, stiffly in this perfectionist pattern, this perfectionist identity that you've got to hold yourself in at all times. Because if you were to slip, if you were to let go and people were to see these parts of yourself that you are embarrassed of, that you hate, that you don't like, that you have disgust, disgrace, and embarrassment around, you fear that the world would treat you in a way of criticism, attack, rejection, and abandonment. Because of the way that you are already treating those parts of yourself. The degree to which you fear attack, criticism, rejection, and abandonment from the external world is a direct reflection of the degree to which you are treating those parts of yourself in that way already. So your job is to have love and openness and acceptance and permission and approval for the messy, for the struggling, for the imperfect, for the dramatic, for the chaotic, for the messy. And the s the more that you do, the more acceptance that you have for those parts of yourself, the safer that you'll feel being seen in those ways, the less you will need the uptight perfectionist pattern and identity to present to the world and to try and s feel safe and get love and approval and whatnot. So have a watch of this again. I would suggest take your notes, apply what I've shared, and you'll find that your nervous system will relax, you'll get that exhale, you'll still produce quality results, but it'll just take you a lot less energy and effort, and it will be far more enjoyable, which is what we're here to do in any in life, anyways, is to do our best at enjoying ourselves. And if you want my help to go even deeper into this, grab the calm mind method. It's going to show you exactly how to create safety and security in your body so that you can deeply feel. The deeper you feel, the deeper you heal. The more deeply you heal, the more you open up to genuine, effortless experiences of joy, peace, stillness, gratitude, and happiness. Enjoy.